


Teaching A Dead Dude New Tricks

by PennamePersona



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: (Don't Worry He Learns), F/M, Found Family, Kravitz Doesn't Know How To Do People That Well, M/M, Nervousness, Reaper Squad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 09:03:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17138906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: “Sorry,” He says, wiping away a tear very careful, so as not to smudge his eyeliner. “It’s just...Krav, c’mon, this is pretty fuckin’ funny.”“Why’s that?” Kravitz asks, more confused than irritated.“I mean,” Taako pauses for a moment to take a deep breath and stop his giggles. “My family is made up entirely of co-workers, my dude.”





	Teaching A Dead Dude New Tricks

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Candlenights to tumblr user acadieum! I hope you enjoy!

Barry Bluejeans materializes in the necromancer’s cave, and immediately gets hit by some poor fool’s attempt at Enervation. Barry actually chuckles, which causes Lup to turn her head towards him.

 

“Finally!” She says, swiping her scythe through a batch of ghouls without looking. “What took you so long?”

 

“I was getting more information on the group,” Barry says, casting Dance Macabre on the pile of very unfortunate corpses and undead and giving the clearly out of their depth necromancers something else to fight. “Turns out I was right, and they’re not working alone.”

 

“Oh, god,” Kravitz sighs, throwing a black, glowing net on top of the group of necromancers Barry herded together. “You’re never going to let me hear the end of this.”

 

“Nope,” Barry says, cheerfully. He goes over to one of the worktables in the necromancer’s den, sifting through parchment. When he finds the one he wants, he laughs again.

 

“Alright, what is it?” Lup asks, leaning against his back to look over his shoulder. When she sees the parchment, she starts laughing, too.

 

“Please,” Kravtiz says, after he’s done shoving the group of necromancers, still in their net, through a portal to the Astral Plane. “Please don’t do this. Let me in the loop, you two.”

 

“They’re using one of my formulas,” Barry says, chuckling still. “But geez, they got so much wrong.”

 

Lup is cackling, resting all of her weight against Barry. “How did they miss so much? What, is this necromancer preschool time?”

 

“So, let me get this straight,” Kravtiz says, strolling over to them and grabbing the parchment. “It’s funny that a gang of necromancers is using a formula that a servant of the Raven Queen ma- oh, damn, how did they miss that? That’s pretty pathetic, it’s sort of insulting just on principle.”

 

“I know!” Barry cries, taking back the parchment and holding it out for Lup to set on fire, which she does.

 

“You’re really alright with destroying your own work like that?” Kravtiz asks, sounding a bit skeptical, which is fair. Barry has already been known to “skim the top” vis a vis necromancy material during bounty missions.

 

“Eh, it’s not a big deal.” Barry shrugs. “I’ve got that one memorized, anyway.”

 

“That is not comforting,” Kravitz says. “But I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.”

 

“Aw, what a softy,” Lup coos. “We’ll be seein’ you at family dinner, right Skele-bro?”

 

“Please don’t call me that,” Kravitz says, and vanishes.

 

* * *

 

Taako notices a shift in the reflected background as he applies his gold eyeliner, and, after barely a moment’s thought, dismisses it. It’s probably family, he figures, and if it isn’t, he’s like, the most powerful wizard in a fuckton of universes, so. It’s chill. Home intruders ain’t shit.

 

“Honey, I’m home,” Kravitz says, which not only answers the question of who just showed up in the mirror, but also means that Taako’s got some good lovin’ coming to him, which, fuck yeah.

 

“Well hey there, Skele-boy,” Taako grins. “How’d the job go?”

 

Kravitz sighs, and falls back on Taako’s bed with a thud.

 

“I have no idea how to do this,” He says, which makes Taako frown and set down his eyeliner.

 

“Do what, homie?” Taako asks, turning fully around.

 

Kravitz’s skin melts back over his skull just in time for him to rest a hand over his eyes.

 

“I haven’t had,” He pauses. “Co-workers, properly, before. And Barry and Lup…they’re your family, Taako. I’m out of my depth.”

 

“They are a lot to handle,” Taako admits, sitting down next to Kravitz on the bed.

 

“I don’t want to make things awkward,” Kravitz says, pulling down his hand to look Taako in the eyes. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to balance this.”

 

Taako looks at Kravitz in silence for a moment, then bursts into laughter.

 

“Sorry,” He says, wiping away a tear very careful, so as not to smudge his eyeliner. “It’s just...Krav, c’mon, this is pretty fuckin’ funny.”

 

“Why’s that?” Kravitz asks, more confused than irritated.

 

“I mean,” Taako pauses for a moment to take a deep breath and stop his giggles. “My family is made up  _ entirely  _ of co-workers, my dude.”

 

Kravitz looks up at the ceiling.

 

“Huh.” 

 

* * *

 

A loud crash comes from the kitchen, and no one but Kravitz winces.

 

“Don’t worry about them,” Barry says, giving him a reassuring smile that, despite Kravitz’s knowledge of Barry Bluejeans as the multiverse’s greatest necromancer and often unorthodox  co-worker, actually works. 

 

“Yeah, sir,” Angus McDonald says, briefly pausing in his description of the flaws in Lucas Miller’s last lecture on planar physics. “Taako and Miss Lup are always loud in the kitchen.”

 

“ _ Damn _ ,” Lup shouts from the kitchen. “That’s a good bake, bro!”

 

“Alright,” Kravitz says, taking in a deep breath as an attempt at steadying himself. “If you all say so.”

 

“Don’t worry so much,” Merle says, flipping through his Extreme Teen Bible, which seems to be full of poorly maintained spell cards. “You fit in fine.”

 

Everyone else stops talking, and Kravitz can feel his heart speed up a bit, despite the fact that he is not, actually, alive.

 

“Who fits in?” Magnus asks, arms still up from his wild gesturing during his storytelling. 

 

“Bone boy,” Merle says, nodding over at Kravitz. “He’s worried he isn’t part of the group.”

 

“How,” Kravitz manages. “Did you know that?”

 

Merle just shrugs, though he does glance up briefly to give Kravitz a small smile. 

 

“Well,” Barry says. “Merle’s right. You don’t gotta worry about that. We’re a pretty ragtag bunch, and Taako’s nuts about you.”

 

“Yeah, man, you’re cool by us,” Magnus says. “Not like we’re subtle.”

 

“I think you’re an important part of the group, sir,” Angus says, and Kravitz doesn’t know what to say.

 

He’s saved by the door to the kitchen being kicked open, Taako and Lup pushing through with dishes piled with food.

 

“Yo, it’s eatin’ time!” Lup shouts. “Get to the table, dinguses!”

 

Everyone complies quickly, and when Kravitz sits down next to Taako, his boyfriend immediately leans against him.

 

“Paranoid, much?” Taako asks, popping a cube of chicken into his mouth.

 

“You were listening?” Kravitz asks, not terribly surprised. 

 

“‘Course,” Taako says. “Didn’t want you panicking. Ruins the mood.”

 

Kravitz smiles into his cup and glances around the table. 

 

It’s loud, but everyone’s grinning. Angus ducks to avoid a sweep of Magnus’ arms as he tells a story that sounds too fantastic to be true, but Kravitz can’t quite rule it out, given his history. Barry listens as Lup goes on about a new theory she has, regarding evocation magic combined with “hella light necromancy, like, not even illegal shit,” and Merle chats with Davenport about his latest boat acquisition.

 

It’s nice, Kravitz thinks. Chaotic, maybe, but nice.

 

He ducks to avoid a spoonful of pureed squash, and grins.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Holidays, everyone!
> 
> I take writing requests! Information at: [provisionalpenname on tumblr](https://provisionalpenname.tumblr.com)


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